Pass or fail is something we learn in school and arguably, this is too young for us to understand the nuances of passing and failing.
While the grading system has changed to numbers from letters, the concept is still the same, you must get at least a C or a 6 or above to be deemed an appropriate level of English and Maths (or any other subject).
This teaches us, that anything less is a failure.
But it really isn’t and besides which to fail is all relative.
Success
You can not really talk about failure without discussing success.
When coaching I often experience individuals telling me, “I feel like a failure!” or “I am not very successful!” but what is interesting with a lot of people, they are unable to define success.
And this is what I mean by stating that, “to fail is all relative.” It is relative to your definition of success. But if you are unable to define success, what do you have to measure failure against?
In our school grading system, we are taught to aspire to the best possible mark and when the first round of exams we experience (GCSE’s for most), we are able to rattle off the grades we got and when older given a push we could probably state which subjects as well.
And while this blog is not a debate on the education system, it does mean that there is bound to be a group of students left behind.
Not everyone can achieve and A or a 9 and therefore the opposite of that is an E or a 1. But what if, an E or a 1 was that individual’s definition of success? What if they had struggled to read or write? What if they just have a different ability or skill base?
Fast Forward …
As an adult we unwittingly take the lessons from school with us. Yes, our benchmarks change, but we perhaps still forget to define success?
Take a moment to consider what your definition of success is?
A lesson learnt
While coaching, I meet a lot of people, from all different walks of life, and I hear stories. One of my favourite conversations was with a gentleman in his late 30’s.
He was convinced he was, “Not worth it!”.
Oh my, was I glad these coaching sessions were over the phone because I really connected with this individual’s story. And yes, I confess they made me emotional.
They suffered from the unenviable ability to compare themselves to their peers from school. X Y or Z individual was high up in a bank or CEO of a corporation.
This individual was not doing badly, they had free time, they could leave work when they wanted, go to school plays, play golf at the weekends etc etc.
And their job title? They were Head of a Department and part of the Senior Leadership team!
And did they feel successful? Nope! Not even a little bit.
Could they define success? Nope!
Were they aware of how much they had achieved? Nope!
Mont Blanc Pen
This individual did want a Mont Blanc pen (could have been a Rolex watch! But you get the idea). Now, against popular belief, I could not afford to send this individual a Mont Blanc Pen – my coaching does not stretch that far but I was able to send them a Bic Biro.
I know, all class!
It was sent with the advice and note, “Use this to define what success is to you on paper. Do not define your success with a Mont Blanc pen, because this pen is recognition of the fact that you are indeed worth it!”
The individual was so grateful for the pen and to be heard. What did we both discover?
They did not really want a Mont Blanc Pen, they wanted to be recognised, to be listened to and to find a way forward.
Defining success
They did write down their definition of success. It turned out, it was about being able to be home for their child, to go to sports day and play golf at the weekends.
No longer a failure in their own eyes.
And the pen?
Their parting words to me, “You have no idea how much that meant to me, I keep it in my pocket all of the time!”
Your turn
Can you define success? Have you taken the time to consider what it is for you?